You have seen the review sites Yelp!, TripAdvisor, Restaurantica, UrbanSpoon, Zagat…even Facebook and Google have reviews of restaurants… but we are introducing something completely new today!! Exciting times my friends!
About a year ago, we started on a beta version of a site to rate reviewers- that’s right, rating reviewers!! Crazy we know! It’s a crazy world though! We called it RAte Th ratERS, or RATERS for short (hierarchy of the raters, or HATERS, was already being used by a placeholder). The idea is for bars and restaurants to anonymously rate their customers. The key here is anonymously of course, as it is much better to not have to talk to the patron and solve any actual issues that come up in the course of their stay- far better (and easier) to just go online and try to make sure they do not get served again at any restaurant in town! Restaurants would then be able to see if they actually wanted to take a certain reservation or have reservations about taking that reservation!
The second attempt at the site was called RATers OUTed, or RAT OUT for short. Mainly we just cleaned up the site and as we needed to monetize it, added a monthly fee (all about the benjamins of course!), and we also offered cash incentives or discounts at local establishments for top RATters. This did not test well as restaurateurs are notoriously stingy and everyone wanted the discounts!!
Which has led us to version 3.0. With all of our trials done, we now ask for your support! Like the guy who wanted to make potato salad, or the person who made an ostrich pillow, or even the guy who wanted you to fund his grilled cheesus, we too ask for even more money! We have set up a one day only, that’s right, April 1st only, community funding project on both Inigo and Kickstand as we cannot wait to introduce “ROOSTER! Wake Up People!!” . This is online today and ready for action- donate now as it is only a one day campaign!! That;s right, only today, Wednesday, April 1st. Watch our video here.
This is how it works….a customer will come into a restaurant and fill out a form, a type of reverse comment card if you will. It will ask for personal information of course, like where you work, what your income is, when will you be getting a real job, we even ask if you are dating anyone! There will also be an option to swipe your driver’s license or SIN card making it easier for us to rate you on repeat visits. The restaurant staff will then decide how much they enjoyed serving you- if you were polite, if you stayed too long, if you smiled enough, if you drank all of the water you asked for or ate the extra ketchup also asked for, if you were too loud or on your phone too much, if you enjoyed the food enough and made appropriate remarks…you get the idea. Each restaurant will probably need 3 staff working 8 hour shifts in order to make sure enough information is entered and your star rating is kept up to date! More jobs! More importantly, you get indelibly rated for all the world- well, to those with internet access anyway- to see. We will manipulate, judge, and ignore feelings all to make sure you get a star- or five as the case may be! Every review will be fair though- obviously- as we are professionals and know you as well as you know yourself! We hope that your self worth will be matchless- all because of our industry ratings.
Initially, we plan on only having restaurants rate their customers, but we see an expansion of the platform as there are several business that can easily rate their customers; restaurants or bars, bowling alleys or grocery stores, clothing stores or big box stores, so much opportunity! As a patron, you will also be able to log in with your Facebook account, which will also allow us access to all of your friends, and see how much you are liked/disliked by local businesses! This makes for a great Saturday night in creeping on your buddies too! It also allows you to be able to check, in advance, if you really want to go to such and such a bar with such and such a person as they might be completely loved there making you feel a little uncomfortable!
We have even more opportunity for you! We do not use the term blackmail per sé, but the more you contribute to our lifestyle, the higher your rating- well, our algorithms can make sure that your negative reviews count for less, or your positive ones for more- and the fake reviews by scorned exes or rivals?- used only to your advantage, all you need to do is spend spend spend! There will also be a widget for Tinder and Match.com to see if you are compatible ratings-wise with your potential partner- no way a 5 star would date a 1 star is there? The possibilities of ROOSTER are endless! If anyone has an idea of making sure Twitter and Instagram are not left out of this process, let us know and we will make sure you never drop below a 4 star!
As we know, customers behave differently and have different expectations depending on perceived value and how large the people they are dealing with are. They also have different expectations because some have seen a cooking show on tv- some, sadly, have not- so they know for example how a risotto should be cooked, or how much chevre should be in the chevre mashed potatoes. And sure, we know you might have been having an off day, or had 1000 great outfits that week, but you got dressed in the dark and are wearing two different coloured socks, or you have a full calendar, don’t remember ever being this busy at anytime in your life because, hey, the sun is shining, and you forgot it was a PD Day! but ratings are ratings even though we really only have this brief time together, or only even one time together, we get the gist of who you are and feel comfortable giving that rating.
So please, donate today!
And as our non-sanctioned mascot Foghorn himself would say That’s a joke son.